back?

So I've strayed from the blog mainly because my brain thinks so fast it's hard to type it all and I'm pretty sure I may come off as CRAAAAzy on some of my opinions. so therefore, I hence put a warning that some of the posts may not be suitable for all people and that reader discretion is advised. There. Can't say I didn't warn you.

So, like most of my blogging, it is once again at night. I believe I am part owl, although the flying part was tried and unsuccessful, so I mainly hang out on the ground. There are lots of things spinning through my head, which hopefully will be written out over time as there is no use in me narrating it to myself in bed in my head. And yes, I know that rhymes. Let's start with my habitual hermitting. I've always been known to be a homebody, someone who would rather sit at home and watch old movies, and talk with close friends than go clubbing or golfing or whatever people do. But with my mental and spiritual life on a fence, going out is even harder. Especially going to Church. I have a huge issue with myself, with God with no one? I dunno. Church reminds me of mom, everything about it. So change churches right? Uhhh, no. Cuz, really it's more "church" in itself. I don't like the double standards, the stupid issues that tear churches apart, the way I have to look and behave to be "acceptable". I'm total rage against the machine. Literally. Y'know that scene in Kung-Fu Panda, where the evil tiger is chained down with weights on and such? I feel like that. Like all my energy is about to burst given the chance. But these stupid chains are holding me back. And I struggle and fight them everyday, and maybe I could and would get somewhere if I actually knew what the chains were. I've lost myself and who I thought I was. I'm not satisfied being wishy-washy. I'm an all or nothing, right not a whole lot of nothing. It's like trying to piece back a glass or ceramic vase. It takes forever and there are so many little pieces to find.

pulsing off

It's 3am.

Not an unusual time for me to be up or awake at. I think it's the best time to be awake at, everything's so quiet and serene, minus the sirens. But that's not why I'm up.

I'm panicking.

My medication is supposed to subdue the effects of anxiety, and for a time it did. But it's back. And it absolutely paralyzes me.

My heart is going way too fast.

I try and control it. Deep breaths, I say, deep breaths. Think about something like a bunny perhaps. But it doesn't work. I can feel myself getting worked up over nothing, over something, over everything.

I feel trapped.

It's like being claustrophic of being with yourself. And I can't do anything. Being in large groups terrify me, going to family gatherings, working, going shopping. All these things send me over the edge where I'll do anything I can to get out of it. I know it's not healthy and I know for people who don't have "issues" this is probably ridiculous. But I know there are those who know what I mean.

.....................

I'm devastated by the hole in my chest, the lifelessness of the side of me that was there when mom was there. I can't help but run every moment of the last days over and over again. All the questions, no answers. No peace over living my life without her by my side. No motivation to become anything but a hole in the ground. I fear over my family, so small and so close. If I were to lose another,I would become nothing. I already don't eat well, don't sleep well, don't breathe well. I search the house, the car, the streets, the web, the cards, the books, the clothes for her. For me. For something that looks like my heart.

Zombies and other ridiculous things

Question: Who exactly thought up the idea of zombies?
Was someone just sitting around back in the old days, bored out of their minds when suddenly they thought to themselves: "Y'know what? I think this world needs a little more weird and creepy things. I should create one. And I will call it a......zombie. Because obviously that's a perfect name. And this thing shall be a dead monkey.. no, moose, ....no....human. Yes. A dead human. And this dead human will have blue or white skin for no reason at all. And of course after all that time in the ground, they will be hungry. So they shall eat....carrots. No, no carrots. Um......jellybeans. No, not scary enough. I know! Humans. The dead human will eat living humans! AHA! BRILLIANT!"
Is that how it went? Honestly?
Was there no better idea to come up with then zombies who were buried normally, but all of a sudden when they arise are covered with massive scarring on their face and they still have their teeth and jewelery on? Really?
I mean, c'mon, it doesn't take a genius to create something like that. Or what about vampires? That you can kill them with garlic, or sunlight or a stake through the heart or holy water? HELLO PEOPLE!! Just wait until they turn into a bat and get a bird to eat it? Is that not the most simple idea? IT"S TWO FOLD! The bird gets dinner and you get rid of that pesky vampire.
Or black cats. Because they're obviously the only ones who hiss and raise their back. It's a gene thing right?
People, people, people. Logical things are way more frightening to the general population then made up things. Like having 3 elections in 6 months. Or that President Bush doesn't know his right hand from his left. Or that they sell "intimate" ideas in the baby section at Shopper's. Or that your barista knows exactly what you drink even though you only come in once a week.........it makes me shudder