pulsing off

It's 3am.

Not an unusual time for me to be up or awake at. I think it's the best time to be awake at, everything's so quiet and serene, minus the sirens. But that's not why I'm up.

I'm panicking.

My medication is supposed to subdue the effects of anxiety, and for a time it did. But it's back. And it absolutely paralyzes me.

My heart is going way too fast.

I try and control it. Deep breaths, I say, deep breaths. Think about something like a bunny perhaps. But it doesn't work. I can feel myself getting worked up over nothing, over something, over everything.

I feel trapped.

It's like being claustrophic of being with yourself. And I can't do anything. Being in large groups terrify me, going to family gatherings, working, going shopping. All these things send me over the edge where I'll do anything I can to get out of it. I know it's not healthy and I know for people who don't have "issues" this is probably ridiculous. But I know there are those who know what I mean.

.....................

I'm devastated by the hole in my chest, the lifelessness of the side of me that was there when mom was there. I can't help but run every moment of the last days over and over again. All the questions, no answers. No peace over living my life without her by my side. No motivation to become anything but a hole in the ground. I fear over my family, so small and so close. If I were to lose another,I would become nothing. I already don't eat well, don't sleep well, don't breathe well. I search the house, the car, the streets, the web, the cards, the books, the clothes for her. For me. For something that looks like my heart.