Insomnia: The Waiting

I don't sleep like you.

I don't wake up in the morning ready for the new day.

I don't feel refreshed or energized.

I don't sleep like you.

I sleep perhaps four hours at any time, only to be rudely awakened by sirens, or a whirling fan, or my cat's stinky breath. Or sometimes, I just wake up for no reason at all. On occasion I can simply roll over or adjust myself and fall back to sleep. But tonight, like the majority of nights I'm wide awake. I suffer from insomnia. Maybe not severely, I'm not going to start a fight club any time soon, but I'm definitely awake. I find things to do, clean up quietly, watch tv, write emails, search the web; sometimes I sit and stare out the window. And I began to wonder why. Why is it so hard to sleep through the night? Even if I get up at 8am and don't take a nap, I'm still wide awake. I think it's because I fear tomorrow. I don't like it. I don't like knowing I have to deal with things I don't want to; remember failures or start again from the ground up. I know that not every tomorrow brings those things. Sometimes it's waiting for a friend to arrive, or a concert to go to or another event worth happiness. But overall, I worry. I worry and sit and pace and pause and stare out that window wondering what will happen next. I'm absolutely riveted to the silence. It's as though I'm waiting for easy street to appear, for things to line up, for some good graces to befall. Life isn't easy for most of us. For others, there are only small bumps. I know the path I chose. I'm aware of the choices I've made, the sacrifices, the mistakes, the headaches. I also know that some devastating things happen out of my control. Those, I'll never be able to control. And I guess that's why I worry. I'm stuck between not caring what the world thinks, or my friends and family thinks and leading with my heart and then again, putting that aside and assuming the responsibilities, letting others go first, knowing where my "place" is, conforming to what I feel I should be. I hate the waiting. I fear what will happen when it becomes daylight because for now, it's solitude and peaceful and it's all mine. I feel like I can achieve things, like I can get out there and do it! And then Tuesday morning comes, or Saturday morning, or Monday morning...and I am left paralyzed, terrified of the magnitude of the world and how short I have to live and how much I want to be and do and suddenly, suddenly this is all too much. It's too much to ask for. It's too much to try and live. i suppose I feel a little like Atlas with the world on his shoulders. Perhaps I put it there myself you say; I knew you would say something like that. And perhaps I did, but don't we all? And the rest, the rest is out of our hands, out of our control. It's the loss of control that haunts me.

I don't sleep like you.

But I bet you worry like me.